The First Time
by simbagirl
Summary: And I can't help myself. I have to know. For better or worse. A Ryan Lindsay story
1. Lindsay

He holds me close to him, even when he sleeps. He almost seem afraid that someone

is going to come and snatch me away.

And maybe someone is. Figurative speaking. Marissa.

I have not been able to sleep all night. I am worried. We have sleept togheter. And it

was perfect. Absolutly perfect. At least, thats what I think. But I can't help but wonder

how **_HE_** feels. Does he compare me to an ex? To Marissa? What if I fall short? The

more I think about it, the sureer I get. No one can compare to her. No one.

I wake him up and he smiles sleepily at me.

- Hello Beautiful he murmurs.

Did he say that to Marissa too?

Did he moan her name when he found his relase? Did he whisper sweet nothings in

her ear afterwards? Did he hold her close to him trough the night? Probably.

- What time is it? he ask and yawn.

- Half past seven.

-To early. To early to get up on a saturday. Go back to sleep. He shuts his eyes

and pulls me closer to him.

I pull away from him and sits up in the bed.

- What is it? I can hear the concern in his voice.

He sits up next to me and I can feel the worried look he gives me.

And I can't help myself. I have to know. For better or worse.

- Was she better then me?

- What are you talking about?

I hear that he has no idea what I am thinking about.

He tries to take my hand, but I don't let him. Instead I pull on my shirt and get up from

the bed.

I can't hear the aswer sitting next to him. I just can't.

I starts pasing around the room.

- **_Better _**than me Ryan. Marissa?... Was she?... In bed. I mean...

I glance at him and he looks shocked.

- Are you asking if she was better in bed than you? He shakes his head. - I can't belive

you are asking me that. Not now.

- You _can' t_ ?Ryan, it's Marissa we are talking about. **_Marissa. _**Your beautiful, **_sexy_**,

ex girlfriend. Who, most likely, was more axperienced than... than I was. I am not

stupid Ryan. I know how this works. You slept with her because you were attracted

to her. Because you loved her.

I go to the window and look out. It is a beautiful spring morning. And I feel like crying.

- And you slept with me because... because you pity me. And I don't... My voice breaks.

Suddenly he twirls me around and kiss me furiously. He push me up against the wall with

his hands on either side of my head, his body close to mine.

Just when I think I am going to faint, he stops and leans his forehead against mine. His

hands goes to my back and he pushes me against him.

- Don't ever think that I sleep with you out of pity. His voice is hoarse and he is breathing

hard.

- And don't ever, **_ever_** compare yourself to Marissa. She does not stand a chans

against you. She is a Barbie doll and you are a woman.You hear me?

I nod and he cups my face. His voice softens.

- I have fantasised about you since the day I met you.

- Really? I whisper. The thought that a guy fantasises about me is breathtaking. That

_Ryan_ does it is almost unbelivable.

He smiles and kiss my nose.

- Really. Why do you think I can't control any of my motor functions when I am around

you? I keep thinking about how you would look laying in my bed. Naked and with your

beautiful hair againt my pillow. And I was right. You look magnificent.

I can feel myself blush.

It feels strange to have a guy fantasise about you. Strange but good. Verry good.

So I get a little bolder and ask:

- So... I did something right last night then?

- Baby, you did everything right. Last night was amazing. His voice change. - And

you?... Was it okey for you?

Does he sound nervous? Is Ryan Atwood nervous? That is something new.

I put my arms around his neck and gives him a kiss.

- Amazing. Last night was amazing.

- Oh yeah? His eyes darken and he give me a sensuous kiss.

- Yeah. I can feel myself smile.

He lifts me up and carries me back to the bed..

And when he pulls the shirt over my head and let his hands wander over my body I don't

care about Marissa anymore. I don't care about anything else then Ryan and the way he

makes me feel.

And when he enters me I don't think at all.

Not until he finds his release. Not until he moans three simple words. Three simple words

that bring tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

- I love you...

What did you think? Please RnR!


	2. Ryan

Title: The Scariest Thing Is Love.

Disclaimer: I do not own _The O.C _or any of the characters in the show.

Author's Note: This is Ryans Pov of what happened in _The First Time _and the time

before. Enjoy!

Yesterday was the first time we made love. And now I can't stop touching her.

I want to kiss her. Constantly. I want to draw my fingers through her soft red hair.

I want to hug her so thight that she loses her breath. I want to see her naked. I want to

hear her sigh my name. And I want to make love to her. Again. And again.

It is scary. These feelings are new to me. I'm in love. And it scares me. It scares me to

hell. And it thrills me like nothing else.

I have slept with a lot of women in my life. I'm not bragging. It's just the honest truth.

I regret some of it. Marissa. Theresa.

I confused things. With Marissa I confused sex with love. And I lured myself into

beliving that i loved her. And it worked for a long time. And then it came crashing down.

And I fell apart.

And Theresa. That's what I regret the most. We were friends once. And when we grew

up we became so much more then friends. In Chino you can't trust a lot people. But we

could trust in each other. I think loved her. But the I left. And now I don't were we stand.

We are not lovers and we are not friends. We have been threw to much.

When she came here... I messed up. And the baby... That innocent little life. When she

called and told me that the baby was dead I felt like someone had punched me in the

stomach. Maybe I hadn't loved her. But I had started to love that baby and I grieved it.

And I fell apart. Again.

And I swore to myself that I wouldn't get involved with another girl for a verry long time.

It had hurt enough. I did not want to fall apart again.

But the I saw her. Then I saw Lindsay and it felt like someone had cut my feet from right

under me.

I started dreaming again. I hadn't done that in a long time, but now I saw her every night.

Talking, laughing. _Naked_. And I would wake up sweating and cursing.

I made a fool of myself. I couldn't seem to control any of my motor functions when I was

near her. It had never happened to me before and it was embarrassing to say the least.

Seth had a lot of fun at my expense. At least someone enjoyed it...

Then we became lab partners and later we became friends. Sort of. We were balancing

on a very fine line between friendship and something more. Something way more.

When we finally agreed to do the whole dating thing it didn't take long before something

ruined it. Something or _Someone_. Caleb Nichol. I never liked the guy and that feeling has

been mutual. Now, he was Lindsay's father and I didn't know how to react. It is not

every day that you find yourself beeing related to your girlfriend's father. Sort of anyway.

She pulled away from me. I can't say I blamed her but I missed her. A lot more than I

would like to admit. Even to myself.

I didn't know what to do. I tried to give her space to figure thinks out. I tried, but it was

killing me. To not be able to talk to her, to have to pretend that we were just friends. It

was hard. Real hard. But tried it because she asked me to.

But then one saturday she came by the poolhouse. And we talked. We talked for hours.

Mostly about Caleb Nichol, but also about her mom and her new stepfamily. And we

talked about us. She wanted to take things slow.

I didn't mind taking things slow, not as long as it meant that I still could see her. Talk to

her in school.I could deal with it as long as I wasn't forced to pretend she was just a

friend.

It would mean that I was going to have to take a couple of long, cold showers but that

was nothing new. I had been taking them every morning since the day I saw her.

So, when she kissed me I was flabbergasted. Was this taking things slow? Was she

playing with me? Testing me? I didn't like either.

I asked her and what she was doing. Not that I minded her kiss at all, but...

She blusced and refused to look at me. She murmured something about not beeing

able able to stop herself. She bit her lower lip and glanced at me.

Now it was I how couldn't stop myself. I kissed her, hard. I pulled her against me

and let my hands do all the things that I dreamt about doing for so long. She sighed

my name and I was lost.

The rest is what they call history. We made love and it was amazing. Perfect. Heavenly.

I can't even find the words to descibe it. I never think that i will.

And that is why I was so shocked when she woke me up the next morning and asked

me if Marissa had been better than her.

And then she said something so idiotic that I couldn't do anything but stare at her.

She tought that I hade sleept with her out of pity.

For a girl who is as smart as she is, she can sometimes act very stupidly.

Sleept with her out of **_pity? _**Was she crazy?

I wonder who she sees when she looks in the mirror, because if she saw the girl that**_I_**

see she wouldn't doubt herself.

When her voice broke I couldn't take it anymore. I got of from the bed and showed

her exactly why I had sleept with her. Showed her that it sure as hell had nothing to do

with pity. And all to do with lust, and passion. And... love.

The second time we made love was even better, if that is even possible.

And I told her how I felt about her. Told her that I loved her. I feelt like the right thing

to do.

When it was all over I held her close to me. I saw that she was crying and I got worried.

Did she regret it? Had I hurt her? She must have senced my worry because she lifted

her head from my chest and smiled at me. The tears had been out of joy, not pain.

I smiled back at her and gave her a sweet kiss. She snuggled closer to me and put

her head back on my chest, right over my heart.

I closed my eyes and was just about to go back to sleep when she said my name.

- Ryan?

- Yeah?

-You asleep?

- Almost.

- I just wanted to say that I love you too.

I bet you couldn't find a guy who was happier than me at that moment.

When I saw her in school today it was like rest of the rest of the world faded. All

I could see was her. Seth was babbling on about Summer, as usual, but I didn't hear

a word. At last he noticed that I wasn't paying him any attention and looked around

to see what I was staring at.

- Ah, he said. So you did it with Lindsay, huh?

- I have no idea what you are talking about I said and tried to keep a straight face.

Seth looked smug.

- Yeah. Right. _Nooo _idea what- so- ever. Then I guess that you have no idea about

who mom saw coming out of the poolhouse yesterday morning, _huh?_

I could feel myself blush. Kirsten had seen Lindsay? So that's way she had looked so

strange at me during breakfast yesterday. This could be a problem.

Seth laughed.

- You two are so busted! Are you blushing? Is Ryan Atwood blushing?

- No.

- Right he smirked. Then he became serious - I am happy for you man. You

deserve some happiness.

- Thanks. Now i gotta go and...

He wawed his hand.

- Go. Kiss your girlfriend . I'll be over here, moping over Summer as usual. Is it

usual?... Do I...?

I didn't hear the last af his sentence as I walked over to Lindsay.

- Hello Beautiful.

- Hello Handsome.

I bent down and gave her a kiss. She put her arms around my neck and returned my

kiss with one of her own.

She was mine. The girl of my dreams were mine. And I was happy.

-Fin-

RnR please!


	3. Kirsten

_Sorry it has taken so long for me to update. I have had this story_

_in my head for a while, but when I started to write it didn't come out_

_right. _

_But now it's here (finally) so please read it and tell me what you think._

_Enjoy!_

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They are dating. I should have guessed. Should have seen it coming.

Should have seen the way they were looking at each other. But I didn't.

And now I don't know what to do.

I went to sit outside on sunday morning because I needed to get some air.

Needed to be alone with my thoughts. It had been a couple weeks since

I had found out about Lindsay. Found out that my father had cheated on

my mother while she was sick. That I had a two sister instead of one.

We had been shopping a couple of times. Had a few lunches. And I

liked her, I really did. But it was going to take a while to grasp the idea

that we were sisters. But we were getting there, slowly.

Then I saw them coming out of the poolhouse, hand in hand. He kissed her

goodbye and watched her walk away, a smile on his face. And I never seen

him so happy. So... content.

And I knew what that smile meant. Knew that look on his face.

They had sleept toghether. Ryan and Lindsay. My foster son and my sister.

The thought that they where more than friends hadn't even crossed my

mind. Wasn't he interested in Marissa? Or was it Marissa that was interested

in him? What was going on here?

He didn't see me as he went back inside and I just sat there, shell shocked.

What was I going to do? Yell at him for sleeping with my sister?

Congratulate him for finding a girl that was both beautiful and smart?

A girl that obiviously made him happy.

I did neighter. When he came in to the house a few hours later to eat

breakfast I didn't say a word about Lindsay. I bearly talked to him.

I just looked at him and tried to figure out how to bring it up. I wasn't

even sure _if_ I should bring it up. Was his love life any of my business?

Sure, he was daiting my sister, and sure, it made me feel uneasy

but that didn't mean that I had any right to tell her to stop seeing her.

Right?

My sister is a smart girl. If she tought that Ryan would make her happy,

then who was I to say otherwise? And she could have done much worse.

But still... Ryan hadn't the best track record when it came to

relationships and I feared that she would get hurt. Ryan never _meant_

to hurt anyone, but he was a hard person to get close to and sometimes

he pushed people away. Trust was a big issue for him and when he

thought that someone doubted him he would pull back. Put up walls

around him. Just look at the whole Oliver episode.

What was I going to do? Tell Sandy about the reationship? Somehow I

think that he already knew. Ask Seth to keep an eye on them? No. He

wouldn't do it. Wouldn't spy on someone he considered to be his brother.

If Ryan was happy he wouldn't do anything that might jeopardize it.

Dinner. I should ask Lindsay over for dinner. I need to talk to her.

About our father. About Ryan.


	4. The sun is green

_Again, I'm sorry for the delay. I have had too much on my mind._

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_Present time_

I'm standing outside the door, shaking. Why am this nervous? She is my

sister after all. I have no reason to be scared, have I?

Yeah, and the sun is green.

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_Two days earlier_

- Kerstin saw us.

- What?

- She saw us when we were coming out of the poolhouse. She knows.

- Oh God.

I slumped down on an nearby bench, my legs suddenly unable to

support me.

Ryan sat down next to me, his face pale and his eyes unreadable.

He was putting on a mask, protecting himself.

What had she told him? Had she been angry with him? Was she angry

with me? Had she forced him to choose? Choose between the woman

he considered to be his mother and me?

So many questions. So few answers.

I swallowed a lump in my throat and forced myself to ask him.

- Is she angry?

Ryan shrugged his shoulders.

- I don't know, she hasn't talked to me. She could bearly look at me.

I put him through so much. The fact that Kirsten couldn't look at

him had hurt . Badly.

And it was my fault.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

- How do you know that she saw us?

- She told Seth and he can't keep a secret even if his life depended

on it. He said that he was happy for me. For us.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He glanced at me and then he

looked away, his jaw muscles tensing.

- So, what do we do now?

- We?

- Yeah. I mean...

I couldn't force myself to continue. Did he want to brake up with me?

Was is to weird for him? Was it to weird for me?

Oh God, this was a mess.

Sure, we had talked about this. But that was before we made love.

Before Kirsten knew. Before the world turned upside down. Again.

Why can't anything be simple anymore?

He turned his head and looked at me. His eyes were so intense it

felt like they burned a hole in me.

- There is a "we"?

- I... I want it to be. What about you?

He gave me a small smile and reached for my hand.

I interwined my fingers with his. I needed to be close to him. Needed to

feel the warmt of his skin against mine.

- I want that too. I want that more than anything. I just found you,

and I don't want to loose you. Couldn't stand it. But I don't want to

hurt Kirsten. She's been like a mother to me.

I squeezed his fingers.

- I know. But we will find a way. We have to.

He leaned in closer and our lips met. And for a brief, wonderful moment,

there wasn't a problem in the world.

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_Present time_

I ring the doorbell, feeling more and more nervous by the second.

I do not like this.

I hadn't liked it when Kirsten called me two days ago and I didn't like it

now.

Having dinner with Ryan and Kerstin. With my boyfriend and his mother.

His mother who also happened to be my sister. Oh God. Why had I

agreed to do this?

The door opens and I see Ryan's smiling face.

Why is he smiling? Why isn't he nervous?

- Come in.

He steps back so I can get in and I can feel his eyes roaming over my body.

I walk in and he closes the door after me.

- You're beautiful.

- Thank you.

I look around, searching after Kirsten.

- She is in the kitchen.

- Oh.

So, this is it. Not it's to late to walk away. My heart starts beating faster.

I turn and starts walking towards the kitchen. Then I feel a hand on my

elbow.

I turn around and find him looking at me.

- You're forgetting something.

- What?

He pulls me closer and kisses me. I put my arms around his neck,

pressing myself closer, totally forgetting where I am.

- _Oh. _Hi Lindsay.

Kirsten.

Oh no.

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TBC...

Review plz.


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